Dear Struggling Moms
If you are feeling scared, alone, frustrated, helpless, hopeless, and/or you’re barely surviving, please read and please reach out.
First of all, I’m sorry for all this. This shit is terrible right now. It’s crazy and scary. And I want to help. Second of all, you are not alone. I am here to listen and remind you to keep going.
On March 13th, 2020 the City of Toronto announced the schools would close for a total of 3 weeks because of COVID-19. My kindergarten son had already been off school for 3 days at this point and we had been prepping for March break. It was also my husband’s birthday that day and also my mom’s 65th birthday. My mom and I were suppose to go to yoga that morning then to a cafe before she went off to work. We hardly get one-on-one time together with both of us being very active in our care of my son while we both also worked. So this was our day. Her day. Then my husband’s night.
It was around noon that day when I stopped at our local grocery store and JJ, the store owner, mentioned the schools were being closed for 3 weeks as a social distancing measure to flatten the COVID-19 curve. I had been mentally preparing for this, kind of. I had been obsessively following COVID-19 since January. I began to panic. Three weeks would be impossible. Worse, I knew it would be much more than 3 weeks. I ran back to the car where my mom and son were waiting then took my mom home. My mind started to race. “How can I do this??” “I can’t do this!” 3 weeks were impossible. Then I heard the libraries, museums, science centre, community clubs, parks… everything all shut down too. More panic. Those were our lifelines for 4 years before he went to school. Those along with an exhaustive list of household activities and my mom’s support. Being home with your kid is hard and most people are accustomed to it.
The anxiety grew for the afternoon and distracted me from my presence with my child. Because of my recent therapy around my postpartum trauma (and because I am a psychologist) I started to realize that all of this was triggering me, and my PTSD. I had only recently (in the past 5 months) found my grounding when my son went to kindergarten in the fall. Before then, I was his primary caregiver, while also working. Life was hard. For some of those years I was only hanging on by a thread. I was distracted by my past and started to worry that all the work I had done was gone in that instant I learned the schools were closed.
My child must have also been feeling it. He was getting unbearable. I was yelling. Then my psychologist's words rung in my head. “Give him the TV and walk away.” Ok. Ok. I can do that. I grabbed him hard. Then stuck him front of the TV and said sternly “you’re watching.” He was shocked but gladly accepted.
I went to the kitchen and then fell to the floor in tears. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do this. All of a sudden I was back to where I was 2 years ago dying on the floor. Last time I was here, I was contemplating giving my child up for adoption because I couldn’t be his mom. It was too hard. He was too much. Then I did something I never do. I texted two friends who knew the severity of my past. This is what I wrote:
“I just want to text cuz I'm scared. Public schools are closed for 3 weeks. Ashar has already been off for 3 days cuz he's sick. I have been reminded of how much energy and intensity he has. He doesn't quit. And it's exhausting. He is demanding. And I can't keep up. And I only had 5 hrs of sleep last night cuz he is sick. So today is extra hard. He is exhausting. And it's been so good lately since he started school and now I'm so afraid of regressing. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of being a terrible mom again. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of feeling helpless.”
Relief. Relief that I had never felt when my child was 2 because I was too exhausted, too sleep deprived, too emotionally spent, too frustrated, too angry, too enraged at how unfuckingfair this was for women. Relief I wasn’t expecting in this moment in 2020. I guess the last 8 months of therapy had paid off because I learned enough to reach out.
I was in a terrible state for the first 3 years of my son’s life. I can’t even go on to describe it. I have written it many times but can never capture how intense and horrible it felt to be me. Guilt. Rage. Frustration. Depression. Exhaustion. Psychotic. It was hell. I felt alone, isolated, scared, and guilty. I was alone, despite my incredible husband’s care and love, which I redirected to my son to save one of us, I figured. No one was in my exact life or brain. No one knew what was going on fully. No one knew how aggressive I was or the extent of my suicidal ideation. No one knew I was contemplated giving up my child for adoption. Not till later after much of this had subsided.
This is why I am writing. I know there are parents out there who are suffering now like I was. The circumstances that we are forced to live under right now are hell for some of us. I know it’s important. I understand the public health concerns. I read the science. I know that side of it. But I also know the conflicting pain of those who are isolated with a child without any respite and no resources to entertain and occupy their thirsty minds. I want desperately to help. Please… reach out… to me, to someone, to anyone. I know what’s going on in your brain. You are not bad. You are not terrible. You are not an awful mom or person. But I know you feel like that. I know you are not because I have come out on the other end. I am not there any more even despite this crisis. I am strong and confident and loved so much by my child. Your child is resilient. They will forgive you. Let me help you get through this. I can hold this space for you and show you the way. I can see the light for you. You are not alone. You will survive and eventually thrive again like you are accustomed to.
If you are struggling and need support, my company, the Centre for Applied Neuroscience, has new free spaces to support people. We have free, online drop-in life coaching sessions Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and we also have started, what we have called “Community Clubs”, which are online spaces for people to come to be around other people and share experiences and discuss. We have coaches there to facilitate a safe space for everyone. Please check them out:
Community Clubs: https://www.knowyourbrain.ca/can-clubs
Drop-In Life Coaching: https://www.knowyourbrain.ca/dropin-life-coaching
With sincere love,
Mandy
Ps - Thank you so much Lisa and Sarah for receiving that text. You are both my saviours just for listening and sending love back. Thank you for hearing my terrible thoughts and admiring my unthinkable flaws.
Trauma of Being a Mom: http://www.mandyland.ca/blog/2019/11/5/trauma-of-being-a-mom